After Mary
Hannah was born, I began to understand more about God’s parental relationship
with me. I am as dependent on Him as an infant is on her parents. I nursed Mary
Hannah for about three months, and then I moved her onto formula. Later, as
Mary Hannah moved into eating regular, solid foods, I became able to grasp a
true wonder. I have fed her hundreds of times, but there was a moment of true
understanding one day in the kitchen.
As is
typical with people there were some foods Mary Hannah liked, and some that she
did not like. As I was shoveling oatmeal and peaches into her little mouth as
quickly as I could, she repeatedly opened her mouth for the spoon. This is not
astounding as she was very hungry. But I offered her something new, peas. She
willingly opened and closed her mouth and took a big bite of peas. Then as a
horrible look spread over her face, she spat them out and shook her head. I
wiped her mouth to get those awful peas away, took up the bowl and spoon, and I
was surprised when she opened her mouth again. Why? Because she trusted me. In her
own little way she demonstrated that she had utter faith that I would not give
her something that was bad for her. She opened her mouth because she trusted
that I wouldn’t fill her mouth with sand or poison. Even though I had fed her
peas which she clearly did not like, she still opened her mouth for me like a
little baby bird, secure in the knowledge that I would not feed her something
bad.
This sudden
revelation struck me – This is how God wants me to trust Him. He puts good
things on my plate, my husband and children, for me to enjoy. When I open my
mouth, he feeds me with the foods I am ready for. He puts people in my life to
spoon feed me knowledge and lead me to be spiritually filled. He satisfies me
with joy and comfort. I eat up his goodness; “my cup overflows” (Psalm 23:5).
Does this
mean that I enjoy every single bite that God has put on my plate? No. I do not
like Type 1 Diabetes. I do not like that Sarah only had 14 years to taste her
own life and to flavor mine. I do not like measuring every bite of food that my
children eat and then medicating them for it. I do not like looking at candy as
both medicine and poison. I do not like worrying about their blood sugars. I
find poking them with needles, insulin pumps, and glucose monitors distasteful.
I chew on worry every time they are ill, wondering if they will need
hospitalization. I detest wondering every night if they will wake up in the
morning.
BUT – I open
my mouth anyway. I drink and eat of what God gives me daily because I trust in
Him. I may not like my daily meals of good and bad dishes, but I can examine
each taste of sour bitterness for a burst of sweetness on my tongue. I taste
laughter from my children’s jokes; I taste their salty, sweaty tears. I gorge on
the purity of their embraces in the aftertaste of their coppery blood. I
delight in their sugary, sweet kisses on my face; I taste their tangy
bitterness at Type 1 Diabetes. I drink in their successes, their imaginations,
and their music; I find their defeats distasteful. And I would not trade the
richest most exotic fruit for the multitude of flavors that they bring into my
life. How we appreciate the sweetness when bitterness is also present.
My daughter
taught me how to trust God. I may not always like what he serves me, though certainly,
I begin to see how a cup of bitterness may complement this banquet that is my
life. If I only taste good things, how can I learn to appreciate them? “One who
is full loathes honey, but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet”
(Prov 27:7). I am reminded to hunger after God and trust that he will fill me
with good fruits. Like Mary Hannah, I continue opening my mouth to take in
whatever food God gives to me.
